it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
