Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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