For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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