hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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