Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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