If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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