Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
