I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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