Your face is a jimmy john
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
