so that wasnt chicken after all
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
