Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
