There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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