I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
