just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
