If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
