so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
