I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
pop tarts are not kleenex
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
