he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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