Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
