the condom got lost in my hair
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
