she woke up with a sticky ear
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she looked like the before picture.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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