I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
