it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
