some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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