I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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