I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
