My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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