Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
