i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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