Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
