once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
