I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
