his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
