She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
