Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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