good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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