I can text with my tongue
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
