Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You smell like stripper and shame
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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