Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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