Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
