You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
