just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
