Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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