I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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