Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
