it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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