The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
