Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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