Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
