Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
