hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
