You really coming over, don't trick.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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